Supporting a PDA Child

I am the mother of an incredible, creative, and energetic autistic daughter who also lives with ADHD, anxiety, and a PDA profile. Alongside this, I have spent years supporting autistic children in school settings, including many who present with strong autonomy-seeking and demand-avoidant behaviours.

What I have learned, both personally and professionally, is that supporting a PDA child can be deeply rewarding when they are given space to be themselves. When there is room for autonomy, for creativity, and for connection on their terms, these children can truly thrive.

At the same time, the reality of daily life is not always set up for this. Busy routines, expectations, and the structure of education systems can make it difficult to honour this need for autonomy. Many of the traditional approaches to parenting, teaching, and even autism support simply do not fit.

When we try to enforce compliance using reward and consequence systems, it can quickly backfire. A child who is already overwhelmed may escalate into distress, shutdown, or even aggression toward themselves or others. Sometimes this distress is not visible straight away. Many children hold it together throughout the school day, only to release that emotional build-up at home. This can be incredibly hard for both the child and their family, often impacting relationships and leaving everyone feeling exhausted.

There is a lot of advice online about “low-demand parenting,” which can involve stepping back from expectations around things like bedtime, food, screen use, or daily routines. For some families, this creates a sense of calm and works well. For others, it can lead to challenges around health, wellbeing, and family functioning.

In our experience, the most sustainable approach has been finding a balance. We hold firm boundaries around health and safety, while offering as much choice, flexibility, and autonomy as possible within those limits. This is not a fixed formula. It shifts constantly and asks us to stay responsive, creative, and compassionate.

Supporting a PDA child is not about getting it “right.” It is about staying connected, adjusting when things are not working, and recognising that these children are not being difficult. They are navigating a world that often feels overwhelming, while trying to hold onto a sense of control and safety.

With the right understanding and support, families can move from a place of constant struggle to one of greater connection, trust, and possibility.

PDA Support Strategies

All demands can pose a threat to a PDA child’s nervous system. I provide as much autonomy as possible and maintain boundaries around only the most essential health and safety demands. I provide multiple accommodations to give the child autonomy, while still ensuring the task is completed and the relationship between caregiver and child is preserved.

Examples of accommodations that provide autonomy while completing essential tasks include:

Demand / task that must be completed for health or safety	Accommodations to provide opportunities for autonomy	Outcome
Brushing teeth.	Sometimes I brush their teeth, sometimes they brush their teeth. They choose the location, e.g. in bed, outside, in the bathroom. We brush when they feel ready. Watching preferred videos while brushing. Brushing teeth game apps.	Teeth are brushed every morning and night. Emotional regulation is maintained.
Eating meals and fruit in addition to sweet foods.	Providing autonomy over what they eat and when, while maintaining that a meal and fruit must be eaten as well, e.g. ice cream with fruit and nuts for breakfast, or chocolate before dinner instead of afterwards, as long as dinner is eaten too. Feeding food into their mouth - they open to accept, or keep it closed if they do not want it. Making mealtimes fun, e.g. picnics with toys or role-play drive-thru / cafe / restaurant.	Sweet foods are not restricted or framed as ‘bad’. Meals and fruit are eaten. Foods that they really dislike are not pushed, e.g. vegetables.
Sitting safely in car seat while driving.	Pulling over and letting them know that I will wait until they are ready to sit safely in their car seat. Waiting calmly for as long as necessary before driving again.	Driving only when they are sitting safely. Reducing incidents of unsafe behaviour in the car.
Staying home if I feel unable to support them safely at an event or activity.	Explaining that we cannot go out because I feel unable to support them safely. Explaining what I need to feel safe to support them when we are out, e.g. “we can go out when you feel ready to put your hands by your sides / feet on the floor ” (instead of hitting or kicking). Staying home and attempting to meet their needs for autonomy in a different way, e.g. following their play directions.	Staying home when necessary. Reducing / eliminating incidents of unsafe behaviour.
Removing TV when it broke and not replacing it to remove emotional distress caused by the suggestion to turn the TV off.	Opportunity to watch preferred videos on a tablet, which they are usually able to stop watching without emotional distress.	Engaging in imaginative play and art more frequently and for a longer duration. Emotional regulation maintained without the trigger of turning off the TV.

If this resonates with your experience, Frances offers parent/caregiver support sessions to help you find what works for your child and your family. Read more about Frances Middleton, Family Support Officer. You can contact us online or via email to admin@amindofyourown.com.au.

Frances will also be running an (online) PDA seminar later this year. Follow us on Eventbrite to stay up to date with upcoming events and registrations.