Navigating parties & social events

Hello! and almost Happy Easter 🐣

On the theme of special occasions, I thought I’d write a piece about how our young neurodivergent friends might respond to such situations.

Over the years, I’ve seen a variety of responses to those who cannot manage the occasion at all to those to engage at full capacity and go into then meltdown/shutdown afterwards, or those who thrive in such situations with a few (or several) attuned accommodations. And as caregivers/support people, we often don’t know what we are going to get. What works for one occasion might not work for the next as needs change, capacity changes and that’s from one day to the next….

Why are special occasions unsettling? The most common factors are change in routine (even though it might be an exciting one), sensory overwhelm, expectations (our own, our children’s and others) and social demands.

The difficulty with change is that for many routine and predictability = (emotional) safety. Whereas some individuals still crave novelty and adventure (especially those with ADHD wired brains), it helps to have some parameters around it. Additionally, information = power. That is, providing some idea of how long an event will go for, who will be there, what the schedule might look like, and what food there might be. We won’t be able to be know exactly but any information is better than no information.

Sensory overwhelm is tricky as parties and other such occasions are often loud or have a variety of smells, sights and experiences all combined in one space. In such cases, it helps to have tools available such as sound proofing headphones (if worn - my kids unfortunately refuse to wear them!), suss out breakout spaces at parties/ events (eg adjourning rooms away from the majority of people) and bring along calming,familiar activities such as colouring in, sensory toys, stuffed animals or devices if needed.

Expectations are often hard to manage as sometimes we think events will go a certain way and then situations happen that we do not anticipate - such as different people attend or preferred people don’t attend, the presents don’t meet expectations (and many neurodivergent young people struggle with containing disappointment overtly). Keeping our own expectations in check is also important. You might not be able to socialise as much a normal or have your child or run off with the other kids and that can be hard, especially when you are feeling burnt out yourself.

Social demands are plentiful at parties and similar occasions. Greetings, groups of people, people in different settings than normal or unexpected people are all common occurrences and this can drain the social battery and lead to overwhelm and thus meltdown/shutdown.

It’s okay to leave early, move into a different space or respectfully provide some education about your child if they don’t respond in a ‘typical way’ or even adapt the routine/parts of the occasion to meet their needs. For instance, we’ll meaning people commonly approach my daughter at parties when she is off to the side and watching what’s happening as they think she isn’t being included, whereas she prefers to stand on the edge to have some space but still feel connected, while reducing the sensory overwhelm.

One family I work with give presents to all siblings on each sibling’s birthday as otherwise the feelings of jealously and disappointment overwhelm the (birthday child’s) experience. Another typically have extended family visit their home at holiday times in small groups and avoid travelling to unfamiliar places to prevent overwhelm/excessive social demands. A parent who frequently takes her three neurodivergent children camping advised me that they frequently attended the same spot, which helped make the trip predictable and familiar.

In the end, you do what you are comfortable with and remember things often need tweaking over time.

Diana